The Best Thing I Did for Myself in Years...

was buying Dr. Scholl's massaging gel insoles for my high heels. I must admit I was skeptical about "gellin'", but what a difference they make!

Irrational Fear Number Two

This is real and you should be scared.

Last night I watched a documentary of sorts on the Discovery Channel. It was called "The Pig Bomb" and it revealed that wild pigs are basically taking over the United States and we need to kill 7 out of every 10 creatures in order to halt their booming numbers.

As someone who loves bacon, I didn't feel very threatened UNTIL I saw that these beasts are mammoth - I'm talking swine weighing over 1,000 pounds. That is just ridiculous. Let's confound this already unbelievable detail with the fact that these pigs are aggressive and deadly. They've got sheer force and crazy tusks to go with it.

I'm never going anywhere without a Pit Bull and a rifle...and I hate guns.

The Trouble With Rubberneckers

If you've ever lived on Long Island, you know damn well how bad traffic can get at times. You probably also know that traffic is unavoidable at certain points of the day and/or on specific roadways. If you commute to work, you're acutely aware that you need to leave your home at a given hour, or you will be late for work;  moreover, you know that when the day is done, you will sit in traffic.

Honestly, there is nothing worse than ending a grueling day by sitting in traffic. You're tired, cranky, hungry, and just want to get to where you live, but you can't get there in a reasonable amount of time because of construction, heavy volume, or an accident. Let's be realistic - no one wants to be involved in an accident, but how about we start taking ourselves out of the accident equation by ending our rubbernecking. Really. Just stop looking.

When an accident occurs, there's usually not much to see or, if there is, you shouldn't want to see it. I always say that I would be humiliated, offended, or saddened if a bunch of strangers watched my mangled body be extracted from a collapsed automobile. Conversely, I wouldn't want anyone looking at any of my loved ones who happened to be injured or, god-forbid, killed in a car-wreck. What can you possibly derive from looking at an accident scene?

Even if you are some morbid freak (this is where I admit that I am), stop slowing down traffic! Go look at some gore on the Internet and let me get home a little faster.

These rubberneckers are the same breed of people who get up from their beach chairs when they notice someone is drowning.

For God's sake, give the drowning victim some privacy! Imagine how they're going to feel if they survive and a bunch of schmucks are standing half-naked on the shore watching them, probably hoping that it's too late for CPR.

People- keep your pedal steady and your eyes straight while driving and keep reading your trashy beach novel.

Give.Me.A.Break!

Shameless Plug for a Top-Notch Blog

Visit this great blog, which features only original photography, drawings, poems, and prose:

A Vintage Future of Pine.

Here's a glimpse:

In Honor of the Jewish New Year...

...I'd like to share a quote from my favorite Jew, Woody Allen:

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

The Brainchild

Let's not play games here. I wanted the following entry to be my first blog, but I thought I'd introduce "her" slowly. By "her" I mean the brainchild and combined effort of people that believe in her existence. She's not a unicorn; she's the word "bejus." Here's some info:


Bejus (pronounced: bee-juss) was created on or about October 1st, 2008 via AIM. What started out as a typo, has now become an omnipresent force in the lives of many.

If you're wondering what it is, you should be aware that you already know because it's a word that describes 89.4% of everything. Ever.

For example: Euthanasia is bejus because it ends the suffering of an afflicted person or animal, but leaves friends and family feeling empty and/or guilty.

Moreover, fat little kids are bejus because, for a while, they are the most adorable beings, but it's really not a good way to start your life. Let's be real, it's all downhill from there.

Do you need another?

OK.

Courtney Love is bejus because she's a fucking trainwreck, but I need to watch the unsettling developments.

Is this too abstract for you?

Here- Working is bejus because it sucks, but you get paid.

In essence...BEJUS IS NEVERYTHING!


Got the gist of it?

I love words and I'm pretty sure there isn't another word for bejus. Some people suggest that bittersweet does the job, but it doesn't. Phrases like "hurt so good" and  "Catch 22" do a decent job of describing what bejus says in one fun little word. 


I don't want to bombard you with too much information, so I'll leave you with this basic knowledge about the word of all words.

More to follow...

Today is Labor Day...

...and tomorrow begins a new school year. As I tell my students, each new year is a chance to reinvent yourself because students and teachers forgive and forget over the summer months. This year I'm going to allow myself to be more clever, more strange, and more prepared - the essential ingredients for a great teacher. Though I didn't expect to be on this road again, I plan on letting myself enjoy the scenery and perhaps settling on this road if it feels right.

So it's farewell to summer and the last of my errands will be run today. A restful sleep will be impossible this night as I second-guess everything I've created thus far. I'll have a dream about being unprepared and probably wake up far too early. I'll try to occupy the extra time in the morning by reading Perez Hilton and carefully applying my face and doing my hair. I'll make myself breakfast, which I won't eat and I'll hit the road way ahead of schedule. Nothing can prepare you for the 100+ new students you're going to meet. You've heard rumors and intimations about what the upcoming freshman class is like - but I usually don't agree with peoples' opinions about people so it's a useless barometer that's being used.

Tomorrow I will sweat in my classroom and collapse on the floor when I get home, only to do it again the next day. Good thing us "damn teachers have it made" because we have off Thursday and Friday for the Jewish holidays.

What non-teachers don't know is that teachers need off every day they're given. I swear to you that if you're doing a good job, you need every single day they give you to recuperate. I made no plans for this summer and didn't do much because I was still coming down from the previous year and prepping myself for the upcoming one. When school is in full swing, Friday nights are for sleeping; Saturdays and for chores; and Sundays are for planning and worrying about the upcoming week. I promise that teachers that try aren't getting away with a thing.

Wish me luck and give a teacher a hug!

Last day of last year

Should You Find Yourself Starving at the Mall...

I was sitting on the couch, waiting for take-out to arrive, and I thought about how I'd like to be getting baked ziti from Sbarro's delivered to me - that way I wouldn't feel the shame of going into Sbarro's to get baked ziti. Also, I didn't feel like moving. Let me get back to the pasta. You know you've had it. It's the best baked ziti ever, in fact. Then I got to reminiscing about all the food I probably shouldn't know about, but being an avid shopper, I do. Here goes...

Sbarro's: Baked Ziti
Bertucci's: Caramelized Onion Pizza
Tanger Outlets: Chinese Food
Ranch One: French Fries
Bloomingdales: Plain Yogurt with Strawberries and Granola
Saks Fifth Avenue: Sweet Potato Fries

The Greatest Ziti of All Time

Number One Thing NOT to Say on a First Date

"I think Lorena Bobbitt is the ultimate feminist - she really propelled women into the 21st century. Lorena is the true maverick."

I thought of this while swimming.